Journal
by Yorukazeangel
Summary: Not everyone can have a happy beginning to life, but the rest of your life doesn't have to be that way. Struggling with depression, anxiety, and an overwhelming life can cause pain and suffering; but at least you don't have to go through it alone. Dan Howell x OC, Phil Lester x OC. There will be suicidal and sexual themes. Please read at your own risk.
1. Prolouge

_All I ever seem to be doing is running. Whether it's from responsibilities or myself, sometimes I even run from people. I usually end up falling and being consumed with this self deprecating feeling. I always question myself._

 _'_ _Do they care?'_

 _'_ _Why are you running?'_

 _'_ _Can you really not handle anything at all?'_

 _I can't tell you why I do these things, but I do. I know I have a choice in the matter, but it really feels like I don't. Some people say that a smile will help me get through everything. But what use is a smile if it makes my face ache. The fake happiness that everyone perceives is disgusting in it's own way. Nobody is happy all of the time, yet when someone reveals their unhappiness…everyone pretends that it can't happen. That nobody is drowning in their own thoughts or actions. I refuse to show anyone just how far down I've gone, no matter how bad it gets. That's the issue I believe everyone faces at some point. They just refuse to show anyone, and sometimes they believe it's better for them to be gone or they just can't handle it anymore. I envy them in a way._

 _To have the courage to finally give in._

 _To give up._

 _I wish I could that._

 _And yet here I am wishing my life away when people would so desperately cling to what I have. I find it kind of pathetic considering they would want to live in this hell of mind I have. There are days when everything feels okay. Although I know they won't last long, I usually pretend that everything is alright for far too long and end up even worse than before. That's probably why I am so far down in my own hell. Oh well. Since I am the one who has to want to change, I'm afraid it isn't happening anytime soon. Writing everything out helps to an extent, although I would much rather not have to. But sadly if I don't write anything down I end up wanting to slit my own throat, and other's too. Can't forget about the stupid people who force themselves into your life and cling to your insecure generosity because they're parasites. I have a few of those. I also have a few true friends who I know love me. I don't really show them that I feel the same way. How am I supposed to when the only love I was taught was to allow myself to be violated? They get so disgusted by the thought of that ever happening to someone, and yet here I am. Living proof that there are disgusting people out there who get drunk and regal you on their filthy, horrid thoughts that they have of you._

 _Let's move off of that retched topic shall we? My apologies if this seems a bit challenging to read, but I am just writing my thoughts. If that was a crime, then I would've been embraced by sweet death a long time ago. That's all for now, but I'm sure I'll have to write more soon, lest I end myself to escape my mind._


	2. Chapter 1

_When you hear about the awful things that happen to people, you never think that it could happen to you. You never know if your father will turn out to be an awful person who should be burned alive, you also never know your step-father is a person who should be publically mutilated for the things he's done. You always that your life will be as close to normal as possible. Funny how life is never the way you wish it to be._

Walking through the aisles of the store I notice more about people than I wish. For example, the child crying in the candy aisle with his mother who looks beyond frazzled, is obviously an only child to a single mother. Although her parents give her all the money she needs considering she's dressed in UGG boots and other clothes from American Eagle or Aeropostale. 'I can never tell the difference.' Sighing heavily, I move down the candy aisle gathering my friends' favorites. 'Twix, Snickers, Reese's…does anyone like those? No idea.' I shrug to myself and toss them into the cart anyway. Moving to the back of the store I get eggs, milk, creamer, and what ever else I think of along the way. Finally, I made my way to the registers only to see the Self-Check line is extremely long. "Fuck.." I groan quietly and move to get in line seeing the employee in charge of the registers trying to split people up in two lines; one for cash and the other for card. I sympathetically smile at her when people still switch lines to go to what ever is open next; god forbid anyone has to fucking wait. Even though she can't see my smile I feel better knowing I showed some sort of expression. 'People think I have resting bitch face, so hopefully they fucking saw me smile. No matter how pathetic it was.' I truly don't know why I seek their approval, but I do. 'Could these people have any more items? Why the fuck didn't they go to an actual cashier?'

Leaving the parking lot is always harder than entering. All of these assholes thinking they can just fly through lanes in the OPPOSITE direction of the traffic. 'Fucking prick.' I slam on my brakes as yet another car goes flying behind me. I start pulling out again and successfully get out, only to find a car facing me. I stare at them blankly before holding down my horn and flipping them off. 'Who the fuck… Why would you even come down this way?' They reverse and back into a spot flipping me off as I start to go by. At this I stop and unbuckle staring them down. They frantically wave for me to stop and mouth sorry. I flip them off again scoffing at them disgusted, buckling up and driving home. 'Why are there so many idiots in the world? I truly don't understand why a god would leave these people here to reproduce.' I sigh yet another time and finally turn into my parking garage. I sit there for a minute bracing myself for a night with people in my flat. 'Having anxiety is no excuse to abandon your friends.' I end up repeating this to myself constantly as my best friend, Anna, and I set up for our Christmas party. Normally I love this part of the year. She and I decorate everything, watch Christmas movies, and get completely trashed off of spiked holiday drinks. I smile at the memory from last year.

 _I sit on the couch watching The Nightmare Before Christmas with Anna. "Oi! Do we have any hot chocolate left in the pot or should I start the cider?" I question, my words slurring slightly as I linger just a bit too long on the Ss. "Hmm? Oh make the cider either way, I'm kinda tired of the Bailey's." I shrug and hum lightly as I make my way to the kitchen. I stretch lightly drifting off into my thoughts. 'Maybe we should watch Black Butler 2 after this movie. It's been a bit since I've seen my darlings.' I smirk a little at the fics I used to read on the characters. 'Those were quite naughty if I do say so myself.' Checking the pots, I end up washing a new one setting on getting the cider done. I bring cups of cider out to the living room and turn my attention to the movie._

 _A few hours later Anna and I were giggling at ourselves and our game of Would You Rather. "O-Okay. Now here's a tough one. Ciel….or Sebastian." The look Anna gave me was one of heartbreak and betrayal. I almost cried and glomped her at that look. "I guess I'll go with Sebastian." She looked utterly heartbroken and then suddenly extremely mischievous. I was actually scared of what she was going to ask me. "Timber, Canterbury, or Thompson." I stared at her with a blank look until I rolled off the couch and crawled on my hands and knees to my room. "I'm crawling away from this bullshit." I call back snarkily. She slowly morphed into silent laughing as I sat there stretched out waiting for her to calm down. Seeing as she wasn't going to calm down any time soon, I smile and move back to my seat._

 _By 3 a.m. Anna was passed out. I managed to get her back to her room and put a bucket, ibuprofen, and a water bottle in there as well. I move back out into the living room after shutting her door and begin to clean up. Humming to myself until I put on headphones playing In This Moment. Some dislike how dirty the lyrics are, but I personally find my favorite to be Whore and Out of Hell. I smile and start washing the dishes, my vision only slightly affected by the alcohol in my system._

I smile at the memory and glance at Anna trying to untangle the lights for the tree. She glances up at me and stops when she sees my look. Anna seemed to know exactly how I felt at pretty much every moment. She never tells me how though; just claims it's her being a great friend. Slowly she gives me a tight hug that only lasts a few seconds. I am extremely grateful for a friend like her. She knows how to comfort me. Even though I normally despise any sort of physical contact with anyone I'm not romantically involved with; she can tell when I need a hug or someone to hold my hand. She moves back to the lights giving me a reassuring smile. I smile back, although it's small, it's genuine. I turn back to the counter full of ingredients before I sigh and put on my apron to prepare for a couple hours of baking.


End file.
